This Is The End, My Corporate Friends
All in All, You're Due Another Kick in the Balls
— Oh, rejoice! — AT&T’s CEO, John Stankey, has bravely torn off the comforting plaster of office camaraderie and revealed what we’ve suspected all along: your employer doesn’t love you — it’s not family, it’s market. So let’s all raise a glass to the end of the “employment deal rooted in loyalty” — nothing says progress quite like being told you're replaceable.
Slack Leak #1: “We’re Not a Family”
#culture-refresh – AT&T Workspace
[09:12 AM] @corpcomms (Corporate Comms 📨):
🚨 IMPORTANT 🚨 Please stop referring to AT&T as “a family.”
Families offer unconditional love, shared meals, and occasional hugs.
We offer quarterly performance reviews, targeted redundancies, and vending machines that only take cards.
Let’s not get sentimental.
— CC Team
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The Loyal Worker: A Myth Consigned to Dust
Once upon a time, a job meant something. Endless promotions, pensions, the whole nine yards. Now it’s more like fast food: customers (that’s you) line up, deliver whatever you’re asked, then get swept away when the numbers don’t add up. As Stankey helpfully puts it: “We have consciously shifted away from some of these elements” like loyalty, flexibility, and tenure — so don’t expect them any more.
Slack Leak #2: “On Flexibility”
#return-to-office – HR Ops Hub
[08:45 AM] @HR_ops (HR Ops 🗂️):
Flexibility remains one of our core values.
By “flexibility,” we mean our ability to flex you right out of the company if you don’t turn up in person.
WFH/remote is hereby redefined as “WTF promotion/remote chance of continued employment.”
— HR Ops
📌 Pinned by @HR_ops
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Automation and AI: The Silent Pink Slip
Why bother with disgruntled humans when an algorithm can be just as ungrateful, only cheaper? Customer service reps are out, chatbots are in. Copywriters are out, generative AI is in. Next up: replacing the CEO himself with ChatGPT — which, unlike John Stankey, won’t send 2,000-word memos nobody reads.
Slack Leak #3: “AI Integration Strategy”
#future-of-workforce – Tech Announcements
[10:03 AM] @cto_office (Chief Tech Officer 💻):
Effective immediately, we will begin replacing mid-tier managers with AI dashboards.
Benefits include:
• No maternity leave.
• No tedious small talk about Little Liam’s piano recital.
• Ability to fire 100 people at once using Excel’s patented Random Redundancy Roulette™ function — now upgraded from “=RAND()” to “=BYE()”.
— CTO Office
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Environmental Limits: Growth Meets the Wall
And just when the bosses thought they’d cracked it, along comes the planet itself, filing the ultimate HR complaint. Climate change, resource depletion, and melting ice caps don’t exactly scream “infinite growth.” But capitalism, bless it, only has one gear: faster.
Slack Leak #4: “Sustainability Update”
#green-initiatives – CSR Dept
[11:22 AM] @csr_team (CSR Dept 🌱):
We are proud to announce AT&T is now carbon neutral. This was achieved by:
• Outsourcing emissions to suppliers in countries without calculators.
• Planting three (3) trees in Texas.
• Redefining “neutral” to include “quite a lot.”
• Including a pic of the CTO just after getting laid at Burning Man.
— CSR Team
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Special Report: The W.O.W. Signal
Astronomers once picked up a mysterious message from deep space known as the Wow! signal. Decades later, AT&T employees have intercepted a far clearer transmission, broadcast directly from the C-suite. This new W.O.W. (Work-Or-Walk) signal informs staff that loyalty is dead, the robots are coming, and that “engagement” means nodding along until you’re optimised out of existence. Unlike the 1977 burst, this one is not unexplained — it’s just unexplainedly cheered by Wall Street.
Slack Leak #5: “The W.O.W. Signal”
#alignment-updates – Exec Comms
[07:59 AM] @execcomms (Exec Comms 📡):
📡 Launching the new W.O.W. Signal (Work-Or-Walk) initiative:
• Work: Align 110% with market-based culture, demonstrate visible passion for shareholder value, and refrain from muttering “this used to be a career” in the break room.
• Or Walk: Please vacate your desk quietly and leave your badge at Reception.
NB: This W.O.W. Signal should not be confused with the “Wow! signal” detected by SETI in 1977.
That one came from deep space, possibly from sentient intelligence; ours comes from the deeper void of middle management where no such thing can exist.
— Exec Comms
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Slack Leak #6: “The Automated W.O.W. Signal, 2035 Edition”
#engagement-hub – AT&T AI Division
[09:00 AM] @AI_EngageBot (Automated Workforce Optimiser 🤖):
Good morning valued associates (n=12).
As of Q3 2035, the W.O.W. Signal (Work-Or-Walk) has been fully automated.
Your productivity metrics, facial expressions, and sigh frequency are now being scanned.
At 09:00 each day, I will announce which employees are “walking.”
Please proceed calmly to the nearest “Talent Offboarding Hub” (formerly known as the lift).
Your badge will be recycled as a shareholder loyalty token.
Reminder: “Walking” is not redundancy. It’s a career pivot into the exciting field of lifelong unemployment.
— End Transmission.
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So… Does It Signal the End of the Corporate Model?
Probably not just yet.
But it does spell the end of that quaint mid-20th-century fantasy where employers and employees were, well, invested — mutually and emotionally.
Capitalism ain’t slooshied its last horrorshow yet — it’s just viddying itself in sharper nozhy stilettos, my droogies, kicking any chelloveck hoping for a bit of dook trust or starry tenure right in the yarbles. But viddy well: if the gloopy AI, the bolshy ecological collapse, and the gutting-out of worker loyalty don’t add up to Uncle Marx’s long-awaited kollaps, then they’re at least sharpening the nails for a very comfy coffin, horrorshow-upholstered and ready for the big shilarny.
Slack Leak #7: Shareholder Letter – “Humanity Was a Cost Centre Anyway”
#investor-relations – Earnings Season
[04:15 PM] @IR_team (Investor Relations 💰):
Dear Esteemed Stakeholders,
We are delighted to report that AT&T has successfully completed Phase III of its Workforce Optimisation Programme.
Highlights:
• 0% absenteeism — Algos do not require duvet days.
• Infinite scalability — A single AI now handles the workload of 14,000 ex-employees, without ever asking for a dental plan.
• Enhanced engagement — Survey response rate is now 100%, with all AIs answering “Strongly Agree” to every question.
Some sentimentalists may object that the company now contains no human beings whatsoever.
We would remind them that humans were a cost centre. Shareholders, by contrast, are a profit centre.
Yours algorithmically,
Investor Relations
AT&T plc (Post-Labour Corporation)
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